My mind feels quieter lately, less disturbed, and much more calm these past couple of weeks. I have gone through a lot of ups and downs this pregnancy and I feel that I’m finally coming to a place of peace, which is somewhat ironic given that soon I won’t be pregnant at all, but instead will have the change of my new baby to grapple with. At which time I’m sure I’ll have a lot of newness to contend with, but for now, I feel calm, quiet, serene even as I enjoy these last few weeks of holding my baby inside.
I suppose I could say that I’ve been pensive. Maybe thoughtful of the reality that these last few weeks of pregnancy will be the last I ever have. That’s a weird thought… I will never be pregnant again (as far as I have planned, at least). There is a definite ending involved in that notion. Anytime you think of something “never taking place again” there is a loss. A loss of a time period, a loss of a relationship, a loss of a connection, a loss of some sort. A change. Maybe my quiet pensive state is my way of trying to take it all in and fully connect with the experience of what I’m feeling.
What am I feeling?
I feel excited. Excited to meet this baby: to know his face, touch his skin, feed him, hold him, and share him with my other two children (and my husband, of course). I’m excited to have my body back in regular working order (to some degree, at least). And I’m excited to have the option to partake in an adult beverage or other mildly risky behavior if I so desire. Mild being the key word here; three kids keeps one pretty straight laced. All in all, I’m excited. Ready. Mostly.
I feel…. baffled? Maybe that’s the right word here? Baffled about what is soon to come. I’ve pretty much stopped trying to predict what’s going to happen and become more open to experiencing what is happening. Thank you mindfulness. So I am a bit stumped as to what I’m going to feel and more trying to stay connected to what I am feeling now. (**Caution: This can change daily**).
I feel connected. Connected to my instincts. Connected to my feelings. Connected to my intuition. Connection – maybe this is what happens when you release worry and anxiety, and just be. Be open to what is. The only caveat here is when I feel calm and serene in this way, I also experience a tug from the underground of my mind telling me to “watch out or be forewarned… don’t trust this peace fully”. Why not, though? What do I have to lose by trusting the peace?
What do I have to lose?
A false sense of preparedness? Tension? Irritation? Distraction? Stress? Um, okay, I can stand to lose those for a while. I’m okay with that. What is it that tempts me to reach back in and grab a hold of these irritants just because they’re familiar? Ah yes…. good ole comfort. Comfort – hanging on to what is known to avoid the discomfort of what is unknown. Not so attractive when you look at it this way.
So I suppose I can comfortably say that I’ve become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am more accepting of the changes now as they have grown more familiar, but I’m also more comfortable in accepting the changes ahead as I feel ready to embrace them. More ready. More prepared. More open. More willing to allow the changing circumstances to change me.
Resistance is the root of suffering, after all. Fighting the current often leads to dire results. Flowing with the tide, engaging with the shift in energy results in cohesion between yourself and the natural order of things.
Makes you wonder, really, how much distress we create by wishing, wanting, hoping for things to go a certain way, our way, when truthfully we know, deep down, they’re going to go their own way no matter what we think, say, or try to do about it.
Seems fitting then that we align our hearts and our minds with agreeing to the flow of life – especially if we are to be rewarded with peace, quiet, serenity, and calm.
For today, I’ll roll with that. I’ll go with the flow