How to be a Positive Parent when Facing Change
1). Listen Fully
2). Validate their feelings.
3). Consider the Positives
4). Let go….
Friendships have been on my mind a lot lately....
Probably because last weekend we said goodbye to a beloved member of our mom tribe. She is moving to Houston and taking her cute hats, her humor, and piece of all of our hearts with her.
The “big girl panties part of me” knows that we are not really saying goodbye, but rather, see you soon. The “pull-up” part of my heart says, knowing that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Saying goodbye to friends is not exactly new territory but it did get
me thinking about my mom’s take on friendship. She shared her wisdom with me a few years ago, when I was mourning the loss of another friendship.
“In life, there are there are both road friends and heart friends. In your lifetime, will have many road friends, but you’ll be lucky to have even a handful of heart friends…those are the important ones.”
. “How will I know the difference?” I asked.
“If I throw my whole heart into most of my friendships (which I do), aren’t they all heart friends?”
“Road friends,”she said, “are the ones you’ll meet along your journey through middle school, motherhood and midlife. They will make life a little less lonely for a time. They will share memories and mimosas, midlife madness, and more. You’ll find yourself drawn to them because you’ll share something in common; kids, summer camps, careers, and kindness. They will love you dearly and you them; for a time. They will fulfill their purpose in your life and you in theirs.”
“There may or may not be a dramatic ending, no break up or blow up. Just as you looked up one day and they were there, you may look up one day and they’ll be gone.”
It’s being ok with the later that I’m struggling with lately.
And heart friends? “Well, it will take years sometimes before you know which ones those will be. They will be the ones who will come into your life and never leave. You may not see them for months at a time, not talk to them as often as you would like, and then one day you’ll need them and they will be there. They will call you to check on you, be there in a crisis, and invest their time and energy in loving your kids as though they are their own. The two of you will pick up right where you left off and then you’ll understand that this one was meant to stay. It took me 43 years to finally start recognizing the difference between the two….
Pay attention to those who reach out to you, not just when they are in need, but when you are. They will make an effort to be a part of your life; not matter how busy they may be in their own.
Heart friends are sometimes miles away, but often closest in your heart. So here’s to road friends and heart friends & to the wisdom & insight to know the difference. Thanks to both for making the journey more fun.
Today we’ll file under the “no good, very bad day” category in parenting land. My soon to be 3 year old daughter is rounding the bend towards “independence” which easily translates as defiance. My least favorite toddler trait of all. Defiance by her usually leads to screaming by me – again. How does one get a strong willed child to cooperate? Well, the answer is clearly not “exert your parental power until she claims defeat”. Nope, lesson learned on that one. Eventually she might give in, or give up, but I’m the one who ends up apologizing. What’s the lesson in that? Certainly not what I was going for. Have to recalibrate my parenting map once again and set forth in the right direction. First thing: determine my destination…
Okay Mamas, we are about four weeks into summer time here in Texas….
How’s your Summer going??
Hopefully you have had time to play at the pool, sleep in, maybe go see one of this summer’s great movies….
Mine, oh, thanks for wondering…..I am enjoying being able to sleep in a bit, having more time with my boys and more time to spend with friends. The boys enjoyed a couple camps to kick the summer off and now they are in the long haul at daycare when I am in the office. The movies this summer have us anxious for the next one and we love our long summer days playing in the pool. We are looking forward to our family vacation next week and the birth of my first nephew any day now. So far my summer is going pretty good! Continue reading
It is more than a little ironic that Yoga is the activity I turn to on a daily basis to cope with the ups and downs of being a parent. The more I think about it, the more I realize YOGA is the perfect metaphor for parenting.
I can almost hear each reader’s audible ugh as I type this post. YOGA….
Ya either love it, hate it, OR BOTH. Some of you haven’t tried it yet. Some of you never will. Kind of sums up having children does it?
I can’t recall exactly when my love affair with yoga began, but let me assure you; it definitely was NOT love at first sight. Truth be told, my first date with yoga TOTALLY sucked.
First of all, before the date even started, Yoga wanted me to be quiet-STRIKE 1- I like to talk. Correction: I LOOOVE talking. Besides, how are we going to know if we like each other if we don’t talk?
Our love connection was off to a very rocky start.
Next, YOGA proceeded to tell me to “be still”. Seriously? Who the hell does this YOGA think he is? Doesn’t he realize I’m a mom & dishes don’t wash themselves? I’ve got things to do. Furthermore, when I am still…I start thinking. I think too much…waay toooo much. Strike 2.
The final strike came when Yoga wanted me to set an intention. An intention for what? Staying alive? Fine. My intention was pretty much to try super hard not to throw up or pass out OR die a heaping hot sweaty mess in the middle of all of these toned and tan & oddly serene strangers.
Ok…you win YOGA. I intend to survive this class.
As it turns out, I not only survived the first date; I came back for more.
YOGA and I proceeded to “date” on and off for the next few years. We even broke up a few times (my decision), before I realized that I really missed it..and loved it….and NEEEEEEEEEEEDED IT.
So now we are back together…at least for the time being.
Anyway, I digress. My point was to tell you how lessons learned in YOGA mirror that of my experience in parenting.
YOGA ASKS THAT WE:
- Show up. Most days, making it onto your mat is the hardest part.
- Set an intention to guide your practice. Intentions are unique and change on a daily basis depending on your child’s sugar intake & the amount of caffeine you have ingested.
Today, I want my children to be responsible, compassionate, passionate about learning, and kind. Tomorrow I intend to not screw them up too much. By Wednesday, my intention is usually not to throw up, pass out or die trying.
- Focus inward…. How does the vision I have of myself, others and the world shape my choices as a parent. How am I reacting to their successes & failures? What parts of my own childhood am I replicating or running from and why?
- Rest. It is a sign of strength. I repeat..RESTING IS ALWAYS A SIGN OF STRENGTH, never a sign of weakness.
- Be flexible. The more rigid you are, the more it’s gonna hurt.
- Focus on small daily progress. The practice doesn’t change. You do.
- Don’t look around. When you do, you give your energy away. This is not a competition & comparisons are a not helpful.
- Be present. Looking behind or ahead only distracts you from making the most each moment.
BREATHE…You Only Gott A Breathe…When you feel like giving up (& you will want to), you only gotta breathe. As long as you are breathing and staying present, you are doing it right.
Other lessons from “Yoga”…
- You will never do it perfectly no matter how hard you try. In fact, you will often fall. You will look super weird and awkward…crazy even. The good news is, so does everybody else!
- It sometimes feels like it will never end.
- It’s crowded & sweaty….Everyone else is working hard too.
- Everyone has an opinion about how to do it & people are really quick to point out that you are doing it wrong. Tell them to shut the * up and get back on their own mat.
- You mostly go it alone-unless you count the other awkward, hot sweaty messes around you.
- You may or may not have a teacher. If you do, you are lucky. But keep in mind, he or she is just a guide. …She/He doesn’t have all the answers either.
Namaste…the sweaty hot mess in me honors the sweaty hot mess in you.
There a few things I would like to do with my carpool line sign.
None of which are appropriate for publishing on this blog. Those of you who have read my previous posts know how much I adore waiting in the sweltering hot sun (sans my cell phone) to pick up my little cherub.
If you feel the way I do about carpool line, you might be planning to use your sign as kindling for a summer bonfire or for the environmentally conscious reader, recycle it....but don't do that just yet.
I have an idea that beats recycling it….but first, let’s talk about the one part of carpool I actually do enjoy: greeting my sweet little man after a long day at school.
Typically I ask the same standard question as he climbs into the back seat: “How Was Your Day?” Only to hear him mumble back the even more standard answer: “Good.”
You know the drill… I continue to hopelessly probe with questions that usually end in “YES or NO”….and if your child is anything like mine, the token answer for “What did you learn at school today?” is “Nothing”.
NOTHING?? What??? REALLY??? I know for a fact that you learned A LOT today and I know that your teacher is amazing… So this answer is just not gonna fly with me today.
After pondering the uber frustrating carpool phenomenon of “I did nothing today!”, I decided to change my approach for next year. I have found a few more specific questions that I plan to have conveniently pasted on the back of the car pool sign, so I can get the real scoop about his day. Yes..some of the questions are gross…BUT you might actually learn A LOT by asking them.. Maybe even more than you bargained for.
If you aren’t crafty, (or don’t own a laminator), I have another suggestion that has helped me a time or two….
PITS AND PEAKS!!!
When your kiddo climbs into the back seat, ask him/her to tell you about their PIT (the absolute worst thing that happened during the day) and their PEAK (the absolute best thing that happened).
You will be amazed by how much information this simple question yields. It is at least a great way to get a conversation started. Happy last day of school!
Summer is here ladies and gentleman!
Are you Ready??
It seems like the first day of school was just yesterday. Time flies by hence why I often find myself wishing time would stand still. Truth is, time really does fly by. Seems like just the day before yesterday I was stroller walking with my neighborhood mom tribe. Well, with two more days of 1st and 2nd grade here at my house I am about to have a 2nd and 3rd grader. Time stand still!
With summer comes excitement, a bit of anxiety and a dash of dread. We get to sleep in! Go to the pool! Have street parties with kids out playing under the sunset. Grocery shopping might have to be after the hubby gets home because I dread taking kids to the grocery store. My work to-do list will be on the back burner till August. And then the dreaded “I’m Bored” will invariably sneak in at some point.
But before all that, before the last bell sounds, I am setting the summer screen-time standard.
What is that? Well, I have one little boy, I am not naming names here, that could sit and play x-box 360 for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 month in a row, 365 days a year. So I must set the summer screen time standard right out the summer starting gate. This will be part of their Hello Summer basket I give them Friday to celebrate school being out.
To be honest I function and feel like a better mom and wife when I have structure. And in truth my kids are better kids when they have structure. This way they know what is expected of them before they ask “Can I play electronics?” and hundred million times. This way I have to use my frustrated voice before 9am. This way they will not think sneaking downstairs and leaving the volume off will get them a few more minutes.
OK. Mom Confession.
This will not happen EVERYDAY. There WILL be days that I too need a break from all the structure. But I know that setting this expectation up front will make for one less power struggle on our Mommy Mondays.
Another thing I do every summer is have the boys make a Summer Bucket List. Check back so I can share what we come up with.
The official summer countdown has begun & at my house, no one is more ready for some summer fun than me! I am definitely a kid at heart when it comes to those sacred sunscreened days between June 4 and August 14th.
So you better believe that when June 4th rolls around, this mama is going to be ready with an arsenal of summer boredom busters. This year in anticipation of summer break, I made Emmie & Will HELLO SUMMER baskets.